Sunday, May 1, 2011

Trying To Find Security While Divorcing

Trying to Find a Sense of Security While Divorcing
Safety can be quite elusive when undergoing a major change.
Published on May 1, 2011 by Susan Pease Gadoua in Contemplating Divorce

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity. ~ General Douglas MacArthur

Actual security doesn't exist. In any given day, all that any of us has is a sense of security. We surround ourselves with all things familiar, and we take actions and think thoughts that make us feel more in control of our environment. We build structures that we think will never tumble, we set up some certain jobs with tenure, and we have the institution of marriage that is supposed to last forever. But life has a way of keeping us humble, and we see that some of the things we believed would be forever are not always forever.

Thinking we have security isn't a design flaw in our species. In fact, it's quite the opposite. If none of us felt safe and secure, we wouldn't be able to take risks or venture into unknown territory. Having a sense of security helps us to grow and change.

When life throws us a curve ball, it is our sense of security that is broken, not our actual security (since that doesn't exist).

It's normal to feel let down (or even betrayed) when something we thought we could or should count on doesn't last or proves untrustworthy. But even with the best of intentions, no one can promise anything forever; everything "permanent" can be changed, and any security we have is merely a sense of security. We can certainly take actions to diminish the chances that our security will be threatened, but nothing we do is foolproof.

Understanding this can change your perspective on what you are experiencing. It can also facilitate your acceptance of your divorce situation, which, in turn, will facilitate your movement through the grief process.

It's not wrong to want to feel secure but it's unrealistic to believe that you are immune from events that will shake your foundation. Absolute security doesn't exist for anyone, anywhere. With this in mind, enjoy the times when you do feel secure knowing that it is a comfortable and necessary illusion.


I enjoy my sense of security knowing that real security is an illusion.

Journal Exercise

* Write down all the experiences you have had in your life that you thought were secure but were not. How did you regain your feeling of security?
* How will your view on life change knowing that security is nothing more than an illusion? Will you make different choices? Will you appreciate what you have more?

This article was excerpted from Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce, by Susan Pease Gadoua

I have full custody of my child and his father wants to take him to florida for vacation. I live in Virginia. -

I have full custody of my child and his father wants to take him to florida for vacation. I live in Virginia. -

Delegation of Deploying Military Visitation Rights

The 2011 Virginia General Assembly enacted legislation permitting deploying military members to delegate visitation rights.
The law provides that in cases involving a parent who is a member of the military and who has been deployed on active duty, a court may enter an order (i) delegating the deploying parent's visitation rights with a child to a family member of the deploying parent or (ii) awarding visitation rights to a family member of the deploying parent if the parent had physical custody of the child prior to the deployment and physical custody is awarded to the non-deploying parent or his family during the deployment. Written notice of the return of the deployed parent or guardian and the termination of the delegated visitation shall be provided by the previously deployed parent or guardian to any family member whose visitation is thereby terminated. The bill also provides that the court may provide for the appearance of parties and witnesses via electronic means at any hearing under the Virginia Military Parents Equal Protection Act (§ 20-124.7 et seq.).

No Need For Readoption in Foreign Adoptions

The 2011 General Assembly revised Virginia adoption law to eliminate the need to readopt in Virginia after a foreign adoption.
The law provides that in cases in which a child has been adopted pursuant to the laws of a foreign country and enters the United States with an IR-3 or IH-3 visa issued by the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service, the adoptive parents shall not be required to readopt the child in Virginia and the adoption shall be recognized by the Commonwealth and the rights and obligations of the parties shall be determined as though the order of adoption was entered by a court of the Commonwealth. This bill also establishes a streamlined process whereby adoptive parents of children adopted pursuant to the laws of a foreign country and brought into the United States with an IR-3 or IH-3 visa may obtain a certificate of birth for the child.

Statutory Protective Order Changes

The 2011 Virginia General Assembly has made changes to the statute which expanded the availability of Protective Orders and increases the penalties for violating such Orders.
Renames "protective orders for stalking" as "protective orders" and expands the class of persons that is eligible to obtain a protective order by enlarging the types of conduct that permit the issuance of a protective order from certain specified criminal acts to any act involving violence, force, or threat that results in bodily injury or places one in reasonable apprehension of death, sexual assault, or bodily injury. Such protective orders are available based on such conduct, regardless of the relationship of the parties involved. The bill also makes several amendments to make protective orders and family abuse protective orders more consistent, including amending the definition of “family abuse” to be consistent with the conduct that would allow for the issuance of a “protective order” and providing that a family abuse protective order may include a condition prohibiting the allegedly abusing person from committing a criminal offense that results in injury to person or property. The bill also makes the penalties for violating a protective order consistent with the penalties for violating a family abuse protective order: (i) any person convicted of a second violation of a protective order, when the offense is committed within five years of a conviction for a prior offense and when either the instant or prior offense was based on an act or threat of violence, shall be sentenced to a mandatory minimum term of confinement of 60 days; (ii) any person convicted of a third or subsequent offense, when such offense is committed within 20 years of the first conviction and when either the instant or any of the prior offenses was based on an act or threat of violence, is guilty of a Class 6 felony and punishment shall include a mandatory minimum term of confinement of six months; (iii) any person who commits an assault and battery resulting in serious bodily injury upon a person protected by a protective order is guilty of a Class 6 felony; and (iv) any person who violates a protective order by furtively entering the home of the protected party while such party is present or enters and remains in such home until the protected party arrives is guilty of a Class 6 felony.